marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
