Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
