Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
