1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Randomize
