Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Randomize
