the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
