Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
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