I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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