So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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