I am full of burrito and curiosity
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
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