we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
