Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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