new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
