i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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