lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
