am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
