my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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