Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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