yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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