I molested 6 butterflies tonight
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
