There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Randomize
