yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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