He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
