did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
