anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Randomize
