I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
