Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
