I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
