god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
