Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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