College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
