My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
