I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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