I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
