True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
