I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
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