the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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