Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize