Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
