Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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