Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
