Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
