I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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