It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Randomize
