i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Randomize