Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
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