I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Randomize
