Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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