I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
