I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Randomize
