We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
