I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
