Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
