I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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