I didn't shave. On purpose
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
we made out on top of his cat.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
