girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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