i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
