Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
