is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize