Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Randomize
