I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
